I know this is long, but this is from my heart and it's a huge concern I have for our kids. The following is so vital, that I believe kids' relationship with God is threatened more than we know, and it may be our own fault as parents. Please read it all. I tried to make it brief, but too much info to cover. In the future, we will break stuff like this down but because of our topic on Sunday and some recent events in the news, I felt this needed a little more than a "quick" Parent Sync post.
Usually, we utilize this Parent Sync to equip each parent with the spiritual principle we are focused on for the week... but this week, I wanted to bring up something that is all over the news. If you haven't heard of the story of Amanda Todd, your kids probably have. Her video has received almost 20,000,000 views (there are several different versions with same video but different music) on Youtube. She committed suicide over a week ago but her self-posted video is getting her story into the news. If you would like to watch her share her story, here's the link (WARNING: although there is nothing shown, the story she shares is heart-wrenching and vivid enough that I would be careful showing it to your kids. It is very sad):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRxfTyNa24A
A brief run-down of the story is that she made some bad choices in regards to what she was doing on the internet and the road she went down due to peer pressure and the need to be accepted made her life difficult. The way people treated her and bullied her pushed her further and further into a place where she felt the only escape was to commit suicide. When I watched this video, it crushed me. As a youth pastor, this stuff sickens me. As a father, this kind of issue scares me.
To begin, let me say that our topic on Sunday in Jr. High and High School was "Reversing Darwin: Adapt". And it has everything to do with what this girl went through. Our kids are thrown into an environment that screams, "Adapt or die". If they don't learn to lie, cheat, or manipulate their way through school and relationships, they will never make it. And while we may say that's not true, we are fooling ourselves if we think that we can protect our kids if we are involved in their lives. It's not our school's responsibilities to discipline, train-up, and develop our kids... but too often we expect them to help our kids become responsible adults. Our main point was that the standards God desires us to live by are the main tool God uses to point people to Him. Purity, clean talk, and choices when we are with our friends can either point people to the Gospel, or away from it. They either show people Jesus, or points them away from Jesus.
I have a lot to say on this but I want to keep this short: We as parents are given the responsibility, by God, to point our kids to the Gospel. It's not our job to transform them (that's the Holy Spirit's responsibility). It's our job to give them the opportunity to grow in their relationship with God. And part of that responsibility is accountability with what they are doing online.
One of my "Must Read Books" for parents is "The Best Question Ever by Andy Stanley" It's based off of Ephesians 5:15. Our goal as parents is that our kids will grow up wise... not unwise. I would challenge you to read this as a parent and use "the best question ever" when training up your teen. It's not about internet safety or even being a parent, but it is about learning to make wise choices in life and it's practical enough for kids to put into practice in their every-day lives.
But I also want to challenge each of us as parents and help us with some practical accountability in our kids' lives. My rule is this... as long as they live under your roof, they have no privacy. Don't expect teenagers to act like adults with their decisions. They don't think like adults. They don't have experience like adults. They are going to mess up. They will make bad decisions. There will be consequences. Don't expect them to make decisions like adults. They are going to mess up! It's our responsibility to be there for them when they do. This list is not exhaustive and not perfect, I've attempted to keep it simple and direct:
- Know what they do on the computer
- One of the most dangerous things we can do is put a computer in their bedroom. But that doesn't solve the issue.
- Spend some money on "Safeeyes" program. You can track everything your kids do and post on the computer.
- Consistently check on their personal accounts in Facebook, twitter, instagram, etc. If you don't know their password and username, have them give it to you or simply take the device away.
- Do not let me use web-cam programs (gmail and facebook now have web and instant messaging ability) unless you can see what they are doing
- Randomly check their email, Facebook, etc.
- Don't let them delete the history. If they are, they are hiding something.
- They may have a "secret Facebook" account... or username... or hidden program.
- I know of way too many kids that post pictures, comments, or even random thoughts that if their parents saw, it would break their heart. I'm not the "post-police"... if I see something that I think puts a child in danger, I won't hesitate to talk to the parent. But I don't catch everything and I believe we as parents need to be more aware of what's going on. Lori and I check our girls' accounts, web use (we use Safe-eyes), cell phone text messages, twitter posts, insta-gram pics, pintrest accounts, Facebook, oh... and we are friends with their friends... so guess who else we are monitoring? Yes, that's a lot... but we love our girls. We think the world of them. We trust them. But we trust them to make choices like teenagers. If you need help with how to do any of this, let me know and I would love to help out.
- Know what they are doing on the devices
- iPhone, iTouch, smart-phone, text messaging, iPad, Kindle, etc. There are many devices out there... they are probably looking at, reading, and listening to a lot of things that will shock you.
- Randomly, look through their apps, text messages, pictures, and everything on their devices. If they have deleted texts, don't fall for the "I was running out of space on my phone" lie... it would take them years to fill up even the oldest of cell phones with enough messages to make it where they needed to delete some messages. And the "my phone automatically deletes messages"... that's questionable, too.
- Know what they are listening to and watching
- Look up lyrics to songs on their devices. Listen to their favorite radio station while in the car (and then ask them who the artist is or what the song is called. Get into their world a bit, then look it up apart from them. If it's not good, point it out privately and ask them, "where do the lyrics of this song point people... to God or somewhere else?"
- Know what they are learning
- I am convinced this week more than ever that what we are doing here at Arcade in our Student Ministries is exactly what your kids need. So join with us. Don't keep your kids from jumping in. Ask your kids questions about the topics. Have spiritual conversations with them. I've seen so many parents let their kids "skip youth group" or have no clue what their kids are being taught.
- Know how you are intentionally pointing them to the Gospel
- How are you pointing them to the Gospel? None of us are the perfect parent. But we are always pointing our kids to something. Be intentional about pointing them to the Gospel.
I have a lot more thoughts on this and we are working on a class or series that we can discuss topics like this, further.
Let me know if this is something you would like Arcade to have for parents and what topics you would like to discuss.
We are here to help you. Until then, I am praying for you, your teens, and your family. Thank you for all you do!
PARENT SYNC: Discuss this with your teen...
- Did you hear about the Amanda Todd story in the news?
- Has anyone ever used the internet or a note to make you feel bad?
- What is something God expects us to do for people that are hurting or being bullied?
- Who do you know that I could pray for this week that, you feel, needs Jesus to show up?
P.S. And if you made it all the way through this post, you are my new hero!
